Dear God of broken hearts.
Today he celebrates his walima. Today I mourn for two: the one who was dearer to me than life and died, and the one who left as though the universe we had created was nothing after all.
The way I mourn is strange, my God. No one comes to give me condolences. Instead they tell me to smile, and so I do. I stand, I walk, I laugh, I work. But it is all forced and I am empty and so very broken. All I do is run from place to place looking for shelter. Maybe I drive all day and night because that is when I can weep.
My Lord, they say that you do not place such a burden on one’s shoulders that they cannot bear. But my Lord, my shoulders are so heavy, and I have no shoulders to rest on.
My God, I do not ask for happiness. The lines of my hand tell me that I am not destined to be happy. All I ask is to ease the pain when I breathe, to ease the way my heart bleeds when I wake and when I sleep. I am so very alone. I wish to ask for someone who can stand by me, stand for me. But I am scared, too scared to ever trust.
My God, I do not ask for justice. I know that each will be accountable for their wrongs whether I ask or not.
I pray only that I stay in his heart as a regret that never leaves him. I pray that his chest aches for me too, every morning and every night of his life.
I’m leaving this blog. I left everyone and everything for him. In the end I even left him, for him.
I know he is reading this. So I ask this: promise me one last thing at least. Promise that you will always remember the way the water sat in our eyes on the day we said goodbyes.
There is a fine line between hurt and anger. I am trying so hard not to complain about you to God.
Tonight she sleeps in your arms, in the home I dreamt of for years. Tonight I drive through the night, lost, from nowhere to nowhere.
How do you sleep at night knowing you’ve caused distress to another human being?
.وأبعت روحي تصحيك
And I wake up in the middle of the night,
Longing for you
And sending you my soul to wake you up.
It’s the same rain you loved that drowned you.